Oh the Holidays
I am going to get kind of real here so I am sorry for this.
Maybe it’s the lack of sun, the lack of warmth outside, maybe it’s just that season, or maybe it’s the fact that it’s been 4 years.
As a kid, I liked the holidays because of gifts like every other kid. As I grew older, I liked the holidays because of the togetherness it brought the family. Every year the holidays just got worse, felt more awkward, and celebrating it with someone I don’t like isn’t fun even if it meant I could get that feeling back just a little bit. I want to celebrate with the people that surround that person, but I don’t want to surround that person. I just can’t; and I doubt that person wants me to either.
I hate Thanksgiving. Yes, it is a genocidal holiday, and that is absolutely a reason to hate it which I partially do. The other part is the fact that the joy of Thanksgiving was taken from me, leeched slowly as to wear out the joy I once had, just to physically show me that I am unwelcome. A person that not only the family trusted but I trusted at some point to ruin the holidays for however long this pain lasts.
A friend told me that I should ask around because that is how they got to celebrate Thanksgiving, they went to a family’s “open-door policy”. I love that families do that, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having such a policy, but to me it feels artificial. It’s much harder when I’m not just invited because it actually shows that they do think about me and want to celebrate with me. Not everyone is supposed to know that I live with this pain to invite me to their holidays (which would feel like guilt tripping anyway), but it would be nice if once in a while I were invited.
Depression has been kicking my ass lately because of these things plus maybe the stuff at the beginning, I don’t know. I’ve been carrying around a heaviness in my chest filled with how worthless and how undeserving of anything I feel of myself. It’s hard not to agree with that feeling when so much leads to it. When I’ve been shown that I am unwanted in the places I lived, when I’ve been shown I don’t deserve a peaceful holidays, when I’ve barely been invited to anything. It’s hard not to agree.
I didn’t really know how to process all of this. I’ve told so many people and the pain of it all remains.
Once again, I am sorry, but I’ll be okay. Eventually.
Toast